


Bears and the art of Mauling

by Starr_Reborn



Series: For the sake of someone replaced [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: A few rainbows sprinkled in here, ALL HAIL, Alice is Cutie Queen, Don't mess with cuties they'll kick you, Emmett is a good brother, Humans sassing vampires, Isabella 'Call me Marie' Swan, Marie has a nickname for every friend, Useless Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23619595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starr_Reborn/pseuds/Starr_Reborn
Summary: Emmett likes Forks. It's dark and cool and the people keep to themselves.Uhh, mostly.
Series: For the sake of someone replaced [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003530
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	1. "Don't hit it with your car!"

They're going to be the first ones to make it to the new house.

Old house?

New house; it's been remade and refurbished and with how long it's been, with how much work Esme has put in, even the fact they're building with old bones can't make the house less new, right?

New to his little sister anyway, looking all about them while craning her face, shoulders, entire upper body out the window like a little kid. It's very tempting, watching her shimmy side-to-side, to just reach out a hand and _push-_

"Don't you dare, McCarty!" A command sharp enough to make even Rosalie's ears burn, if she'd been here to hear it anyway. 

"What?" And he plays and pretends but does keep his hands - just _meant_ for shoving butts out of moving cars - on the steering wheel.

She's gotta be doing it on purpose. 

He _saw_ that smile! She _is_ , the little cheat.

Surely he could just nudge-

A foot lashes out at his face, a foot he jerks his head back to avoid. But of course she knew he'd do that, her heel still nearly clips his chin. He catches her by the ankle and _yanks-_

She makes the most perfect little squawk and that other foot kicks at him.

This is why he likes moving house with Alice. Jasper hits too hard and Edward plays dirty, Rosalie doesn't like rough-housing in the car and yells at him when he starts, but Alice loves to play. 

Until she doesn't.

"EMMETT NO!" and she hooks a foot in the wheel and sends them into a spin out. And if they were squishy and slow like humans this would be very frightening, and maybe he'd crash the car and they'd _die_. He plucks the other foot off his wheel and pushes at her to shove her against the passenger door while he attempts to right his car.

"Chill out Al!"

"The road!" if she would stop struggling-

"I'm, trying, damnit Al!"

"Don't hit it with your car!" And she's near tears like the last time a turtle was in the road so there must be another turtleoh _SHIT_

He swerves just around the human on a bicycle, way too fast, whipping by quick enough it startles the person and they full on fall off the bike. Uh. Err.

"Whoops."

Alice is hanging out the window again but watching the human. He watches in the rearview. So he catches the person flipping him the bird as they stumble up, one knee bloody and hands scraped a little raw.

"Thank goodness," a soft sigh and she pulls herself fully inside. Then she draws back and delivers a mighty slap to his shoulder and they're not too far away from the human that they can't hear the thunderous crack - in fact, when the human hears the sound they hit the dirt like it's a gunshot. 

"Damn Al, don't gotta be so mean. I haven't hit _anything_ today-"

"Yeah cuz I keep stopping you! I know you like GTA but maybe watch the road occasionally."

"Oh but that's what I have you for!" She smacks him again but with less vampire strength and he just laughs. "Speaking of, you should definitely get me Vice for my birthday though. Just sayin'."

"Sure, as long as you don't hurt any people."

"In the game or like...?" He glances at her and. "Ok. Got it. No people pulverizing. Wait does that last one count?"

"Mmmm. I'll think about it."

"What!? Oh come on, Allie don't be difficult! You're my _favorite_ sister!"

"You sleep with your other sister."

"That just goes to show how amazing it is that _you're_ my favorite."

"Uh huh," that sounds disbelieving. He elbows her for good measure, but hard enough to jolt her into the passage door again. "Jerk!" And she starts slapping at him and he starts slapping at her and he's not lying. Alice is his favorite.

She's the most fun.

"Oh hey," she's kicking him in the ribs, wrapped snake-like around the arm he was trying to push her away with while he tries to shake her off. He's keeping one hand on the wheel, eyes on the road. "Would it have been so bad if we made roadkill outta that meat?"

"Extremely," she pulls hard enough on his arm he can feel the way she's trying to pop it out of the socket. "We would've been found out within a day."

" _Damn_." But that's a hiss of pain and he finally reaches over with his free hand, using a knee to steer so he can yank at the leg she's bracing against his ribs again, "We could've hid the body or something-"

"Her dad is the Chief of Police here."

"Oh."

"Yeah, _Oh_."

"Dodged a bullet then!"

"Mmm, certainly dodged something- _HA!_ " Oh that was a good shot, finally knocked him in the face. And they missed their turn, _thanks Alice_.

"You've been wrestling with Jasper!" he levels a pout on her and for his efforts receives a sly grin, while she's at it she sticks her tongue out and

And she's very lucky she can see the future.

She jerks her head back before he can smack her hard enough to make her bite through her tongue and laughs triumphantly.

"We are _so_ fighting when we're done unpacking."

"Just don't be a sore loser when I kick your ass!" Oh they would see about that. He was going to throw her through a tree. She hated when he did that, it _always_ trashed her outfit, hehe. "You better not."

"Not what? I dunno what you're talking about." He let her hit him that time. He kinda deserves it. And nothin' she does is gonna stop him from throwing her through _two_ trees.

"Emmett!!" A drawn out whine. And he already feels like the winner.


	2. All According to

They've got an unspoken list of rules. Mostly unspoken anyway. It goes sorta like this,

1! Don't tell people you're a vampire.

Unspoken cause it's so obvious, duh he's not gonna say anything! Why would he ever? Makes no sense.

2! Don't draw attention to yourself!

Another duh, right? Standing out more than they do by existing is always bad and... Ok so maybe he _does_ need to be reminded sometimes, the last couple mistakes _were_ his mistakes... 

And 3! Don't befriend humans.

So that one is important, it feeds into the other two. They leave humans alone, humans leave them alone, it's pretty simple. Even if they're fun to play with. Rosie always tells him, "Get a puppy!" but puppies can't talk back. Or play video games, _without cheating Ali-ward-sper._

And computer games aren't as fun, he likes consoles.

And people are so cute and squishy! 

But yeah, he's really not supposed to be friendly to the soft bellies. It's the worst part about moving, having to fend off the fleshies and not be too mean. Just because they can't be friends doesn't mean they can't be friendly!

 _\- even if_ most humans find him terrifying, oops?

And so, with the rules fresh on his mind, by the gracious courtesy of his wife, he, _they_ , are going to attend a new school in a new place and be the new kids and he's attempting to be a Sophomore this time! Part of the story is that he got held back, because at his size hunching his shoulders and wearing too-big clothing only does so much.

The younger they pretend to be the longer they can stay in one place. Which, unfortunately, only really lasts five years at a time, seven if they're _real_ careful. He's trying for seven this time around, since last time they only made it a year.

And uhh, yeah that was him. 

So he's gonna be good this time! 

He's gonna keep to himself. He'll just stick next Rose and Jasper this first day, they're like people repellant with all the nasty looks they've perfected. Alice is keeping a careful eye out too, her and Eddie and Jazz. Things are definitely gonna go their way.

There's no way they couldn't!

"Emmett," he hums in response to the love of his unlife, not quite tearing his eyes from the office wherein Ed and Al shmooze up to one human worker. "Love, who's that?"

Another hum but he gives her his full attention and she directs it with a nod towards an approaching human. Well, human _s_ technically. One is sorta stomping their way over and another kinda drifts after the first with a look on her face like she's a little wary and a little weary.

That wary-weary look shifts to wild alarm when the first human reaches them and _literally_ shouts,

"Hey Fuckhead!"

He blinks. He blinks a lot, honestly astonished as he looks to his wife and her 'twin' for help. They provide none. And the Angry Human _is_ focusing her ire on him.

"Uh, me?" She doesn't grace that with an answer, instead,

"That yours?" and she nods to his Jeep, which is looking particularly nice and new amongst this backdrop of hand-me-down cars in the half filled parking lot.

"Yeah?"

"I _knew_ it!" Whoa ok she kinda enters his space to proclaim that. Huh. _That's a weird smell, what even is that?_ "It's YOU! You fucking jerk I should kick you square in the nuts-"

"OH-kay then!" The drifting human reaches them at this point and forcibly yanks Angry away and behind her, aiming an apologetic smile their way as she tells them, "She's barely house broken, we're still training her, so sorry!" while trying to shove Angry back in the direction they came from.

The whole time Angry just tries to lurch around the Pacifist and get at him, saying things like,

"Why don't you learn how to drive, fool!" And also, "Don't apologize to him, he should apologize to me!"

\- and all the while he just stands there taking it. Angry isn't exactly wrong. He even calls out a meek,

"Sorry!" as she's shuffled away and, and actually it's the incorrect response. Angry shrieks out an,

"I'LL MAKE YOU SORRY FOOL!" To which a gaggle of teenagers - the gaggle Angry had stormed away from in the first place, apparently - chorus an admonishing,

" _Marie!_ " Two girls peel off from the group to catch, uh, Marie, by either arm and, with the Pacifist turning to wince and mouth another apology, they finally escort the girl back into the gaggle and fold around her. He can hear them admonishing her from his spot, hear her growing louder defending herself.

_"S'not my fault! No! No! Lar, Angel, you don't get it that guy's an asshole! I'm a heathen?! Shut up Meyers you don't know, look at his smug face looking at me, I should-_ "

It goes on. 

He can feel Rosalie burning a glare into his cheek. Maybe if he pretends he can't-

She just got closer. _She knows_.

Fuck.

"Uh, I can-"

"Explain." Jasper is creeping away, traitor! He could calm her down he could- " _Emmett!_ "

"Ialmosthitherwithmycar!" 

"You. Did _what_."

"I-"

"You hit that girl," he interjects that, _I didn't Actually hit her..._ "With _my_ Jeep, " and, _Babe it's mine!_ "NO, it is _not_ yours; it's your favorite and I allow you to drive it, but it is _Mine_. _You Almost Hit That Girl With **MY JEEP?**_ "

"Uhh. Yes-OW!" She catches him by the ear and twists, and it's so mean! Her nails are _so_ sharp and she always digs them in when she's mad! "Nooo, babe I-" she twists his ear more and if she goes any further she'll rip it off.

"I can't _believe_ you." They're getting stared at! Aren't they supposed to blend in? "Before school even _starts_ and you cause trouble!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Yes you _are_ , and I should make you apologize..." She gazes across the lot to the gaggle still trying to contain Marie. He whimpers out a positively pitiful,

"Please don't!" and she scoffs and mutters and, _Sweet Blood!_ , releases him. 

"I hope you enjoy this last day with _your Jeep_ , Emmett." Jeez, now he's gotta rub feeling back into his poor ear! Good thing he can't bleed, that'd...

"Wait what. "

"You won't be driving this anymore."

"Wait, _What!_ But, but babe-"

"You can have it back when you've earned it." She turns and stalks towards the school entrance - Allie and Eddie are standing outside laughing at his expense, _traitors all of them!_

"But _Baaaabe-_ "

"When you've earned it, Emmett McCarty!"


	3. London Bridge is

He and Alice have very similar schedules and share three classes together.

He mopes in every class.

She makes fun of him for moping in every class.

He also shares a computer course with Eddie, Eddie that giggles like a school girl while picking his brain for details.

"It's not funny!" An angry hiss, lower than the hum of the computer processor and Ed chokes out more laughter. The girls sitting closest to his older-little-brother _just_ scoot their chairs away from him for his supposedly mad behavior. Which makes him laugh _harder_. And who knew Ed could be so people proof without taking advantage of reading their thoughts?

It's definitely annoying and unfortunately, infinitely helpful. Apparently getting shrieked at by a waif of a human in front of half the school had made him seem approachable. Sticking nearer to Ed keeps the curious ones away as they shuffle out of class on the way to lunch.

They all wave and give him silly looks with sillier grins; one group of two girls and a boy walk by and they feel the need to call,

"Hey Fuckhead!" They even slow enough to fingerwave and giggle at his expense, rushing away only when Ed literally cackles until he's wheezing. 

"Dude _shut up._ "

" I c- I ca- I can't believe they, they don't even FLINCH!" This place sucks. It used to be so cute and quiet and the people were respectfully, mildly terrified of them! What happened?!

He grabs Eddie by the back of the neck - he'd collapsed to the floor, on the verge of tears with his uncontrollable laughter - and hauls him up, keeping the grip tight to guide him towards the cafeteria. Ed's fine with the man handling, which is doubly good since it allows him to appear mean and strong and aggressive.

Except Eddie _keeps_ laughing, so pretty much everyone they pass cracks a grin and starts pointing and whispering and,

"Ed _seriously!_ You're making me look bad!"

" _I'M_ MAKING YOU LOOK BAD, BAAAAHAHAHAHA-" He's gonna spread rumors that Eddie is looking for a girlfriend, smash his piano, and _Burn_ his journals. And in between raucous bouts of laughter, Edward, _EDWARD_ , tells him, "Do me the favor, I beg you!"

This is why Alice is his favorite.

He drags Ed the _entire_ way and it's really only as he's shouldering the double doors open and releases Eddie that he sobers up, putting on a Serious Face™... But he's still holding back laughter, so it morphs into a stupid half-grin that charms like every fifteen-year-old in the room.

Which like, _Eww_.

Children are nasty, half of these filthy babies aren't wearing deodorant and definitely came straight from Gym. Ugh. So gross.

Fuck, and there's Angry- err, Marie?

"Yup." Edward confirms with a grin. And as they pass Marie's table she tells her gaggle,

" _I bet they kiss when no-one's watching._ "

Edward's eyes go big and he ducks his head, pretending to cough and he's done, he's so done, this isn't fair. 

"I hate this place." He sits down next to Rosie with his arms crossed and a _harrumph_ and she hums, flipping through an English textbook. Edward joins them eventually, though it takes a concerned student asking him if he needs water to make him move.

He still chuckles every few seconds. Asshole.

"Where are-"

"Library."

"They coming-"

"No."

"Gonna let me finish-"

"Nope." Wifey is being mean. It's not fair. "Pout all you want, I'm still mad at you."

"For _whaaat?_ " She doesn't appreciate his whine. He flinches when she slams her book shut, cutting him an awful glare.

"I could still make you apologize, Emmett." Ahh, uh, um, right. 

"I'll be good." And Rosie mutters that _"Yah I bet."_ and he puts his head down. Eddie is laughing less, chin propped in his hand and scanning the crowd of students. He finally settles his gaze on, _of_ _course_ , Marie and her friends. 

"They're calling her a bad dog," Ed tells them and Rosie huffs out a low laugh. He glances over in time to watch her snap and bite at the one admonishing her. It's kinda funny. The way she turns and stares him down isn't. Well, it _is_ actually pretty funny. She's kinda too cute to be good at glaring.

Look at that button nose! 

She's almost as cute as Alice.

But like, way more aggressive, like his Rosie!

" _Fucker_ ," she's so concentrated on him she misses when the blonde boy sitting across from her steals a bite of her lunch. " _I should go over there and give him a piece of my mind._ "

" _You already gave him a piece,_ " a curly haired girl sitting to the left of Marie interjects, the dirty blonde on her other side chiming in,

" _And you have so few._ "

" _Hey fuck you Lar, I'm a smart!_ " Marie barks back to the blonde, err, Lar?

" _Alright genius, what's the name of that guy you hate over there?_ " He likes this Lar chick. " _He's such a fucker and you're so committed to hating him, so I'm sure you know more than just that, he did what again?_ "

" _...He almost hit me with his car._ " She admits it in a low voice and very quickly.

" _He drove close to you._ " Marie colors but still insists,

" _And! And he like... Shot. Um. Something...!_ "

" _He drove close to you... And made a loud noise?_ " 

" _It **Sounded** like a **Gun**._"

" _And you're **Being** a **Fucking Brat.**_ " _Yes!_ Go little human, defend his honor! 

" _That's not-_ "

" _What's his name?_ "

Marie stops and stares at Lar and really thinks. And while she stops and stares and really thinks, that blonde boy sneaks more bites of Marie's lunch. A brunette with glasses, the one that'd admonished Marie and sitting to her right, also begins to steal bites out of Marie's food. The curly haired girl, leaning forward onto the table to be out of the way of Marie and Lar's stare-down, grumbles out a,

" _Vultures!_ " But ultimately joins them in relieving Marie of her lunch. 

...Which inevitably brings Marie's attention to the theft of her lunch and she shrieks out a,

" _HEY!! You, you, you food goblins!_ " She grabs the container with her lunch, pulling it close and hissing at her circle of friends while they laugh at her.

Except Lar. She continues staring at Marie until the grumpy girl notices.

" _What Lar?_ "

" _A name for the lucky contestant?_ "

" _Oh my gaaawd how are you still on this!?_ "

" _Do you still hate the nameless wonder?_ "

" _...yes-_ "

" _That's how I'm still on this. Gimme a name and I'll drop it._ "

" _Fergus!_ "

" _Wrong._ "

" _Seamus!_ "

" _Nope._ "

" _Leslie?_ "

" _Is that your final guess?_ "

" _Yyyes?_ "

" _No._ " Marie sucks her teeth and huffs out a frustrated breath.

" _This game isn't fair, I don't like it. Do **you** even know his name?_"

" _I do._ "

" _Bullshit!_ "

" _I have my ways._ "

" _Double bullshit!_ "

" _Jess, dear, your dog["Hey I'm not a dog!"] is barking her head off, could you...?_ " Jess(? The curly haired girl) snorts and bumps her knee against Lar's, grinning but rolling her eyes as she tells the girl,

" _It's definitely Angela's dog["I'm not a dog you jerks!"], I only dogsit._ "

" _She's just a puppy, I'm doing my best._ " Angela(? The girl with the glasses) interjects and finally Marie puts her lunch back on the table but only so she can slap the table with her palms, insisting,

" _I'm not a Goddamn dog!_ " 

" _...I know you didn't just take the Lord's name in vain in front of me._ " Angela glared over the rim of her glasses, some real Rosalie level heat behind her eyes, and Marie withered under it, blustering,

" _Uhh, err, I, I'm, I meant, Gosh! Goshdarn!_ "

" _Uh-huh, that's what I thought._ "

" _You've trained her so well!_ " Lar cooed and Marie growled and Rosalie takes this moment to,

"Should I be worried?"

"Uhh, wha?"

"You can't seem to stop staring, should I be worried?" Whoops? 

"They're the most interesting?" It sounds like an excuse and it is. Her eyes narrow and, "I, uhh, a few of them remind me of you!"

"So I _should_ be worried?" 

"No! They're not, you're not, you're _Much_ prettier!"

"So you think they're pretty?"

"I-" err. Um... "I'm not really sure how to respond right now, I'm honestly a little uncomfortable." Was she... She was just fucking with him, wasn't she?

She was, just look at that smirk!

Wifey is so _mean_ to him!

And then Edward snorts and cuts a stupid grin his way, giggling at his expense apparently. Wife is already laughing at him, now he has to listen to Eddie? OOooh his brother is lucky they don't have lunches with them or he'd be sorely tempted to shove Eddie's face in some people food.

"Do it, Emory!" And then he laughs harder and just, like, what? Is he supposed to be Emory or like...? "That girl Lauren-" uhh who? "-ugh, _Lar_. She thinks your name is Emory!" Ok?

" _-ry, then Edwin, Allison, Jesper? And like, Rosalind._ " Lar(Lauren?) looks proud even despite getting every name wrong, and then she adds, " _Cullen._ "

" _One's named Colin?_ "

" _No, their last name. And it's Cullen._ "

"Well they're trying aren't they?" Wow, Rosie almost sounded nice. He could totally _Should I be worried?_ her right now.... Uh, Ed is shaking his head, mouthing _No_ at him. Maybe he'll just save that for later... _No_ , again huh? 

And he behaved! He's been behaving all day, so this time it's really not even his fault when all shit breaks loose.

It starts with Marie startling up from her chair so quickly it topples and Jess and Angela move to stand up, calling to her worried and, and she's just deaf to them. She's mumbling to herself, rapidly and just the same thing -

" _Marie, Isabella Marie, Isabella Marie Swan-_ " and then she starts repeating Cullen, again again again again again until she gasps!

Angela and Jess have fully risen, holding loosely onto either of Marie's hands and when they squeeze, Marie starts and stares at either of them. 

She mouths their names, gasps again, turns to stare at him, Edward, and Rosalie - while mouthing their names, their _actual_ names, not the ones Lar had provided - in that order.

Then she vomits and faints, the skin of her temple splitting as she hits the cafeteria floor and the immediate surrounding tables start screaming. A teacher eating lunch alone lurches out of his John Grisham novel to curse at the commotion and push through a gathering crowd of students so he can curse at the unconscious child he finds at the center and then curse as he bolts out of the cafeteria to hopefully call an ambulance. 

And she's not bleeding that much but like...

Her blood it's...

It's so...

 _Unappetizing_. 

Smells like dead flowers and. God, what is that?

"Rotten fruit," Eddie provides, grimacing and trying to be subtle (but failing) about putting his hand over his nose. "Moldy... Strawberries?" Eww, yeah that sounds pretty accurate.

 _Nasty._ She doesn't smell sick but. Damn, that ain't right.

"I'm not sure Jasper would've been tempted with a, a, a _stench_ like that." he adds and Eddie nods, humming agreement.

"This girl could be seriously injured, maybe you two could stop discussing her like she's your least favorite dinner." Wifey almost makes it sound like a suggestion. Almost but not quite.

So they mumble apologies and wait for the distant sound of sirens to become overbearing.


	4. She only looks vicious, right?

Lar, err, Lauren wasn't a physically intimidating person. By any means. 

She's a little taller than Alice, sure, but at fourteen ( _fifteen?_ It's so hard to tell with fleshies) and what he's guessing is a hundred pounds soaking wet, she's far from dangerous. 

But if she hits him, like she looks like she wants to, her feeble little bones would break and hasn't he been the culprit of enough assaults? He's trying to look meek here and she just. She's mean.

Is it possible to be reborn at a time that you're already alive? Or undead?

This child has a hairy eyeball that Rosalie would applaud. It's very unsettling.

"What." A flat demand and if he was Edward this would be so easy. More regretfully, if this girl could just be _slightly_ attracted to him it would be _So_ easy.

"Umm. Is, uh, is she ok?" 

"Who, me? I'm fine, I'm just," he'd kinda forgotten Jess was there. But as she starts to babble and laugh and turn a deep shade of sunburnt red he sets his focus on her and. It's actually a little incomprehensible, he sorta helplessly nods and hums and by nodding and humming to whatever Jess is saying he somehow makes Lar even more abrasive.

"What do you care?" and Lar lurches in front of Jess, very protective and very, _very_ upset that he even exists. That's a nasty sneer, look at that furrowed brow! If she wasn't fourteen and a foot shorter than him, she'd have a pretty dangerous face. A mug to scare off the predators.

Sorta like a spooky butterfly or a tree frog or something. 

"I. I never. Apologized properly," yes! Ok that sounded believable. "And it's been a few days and I wanted. I wanted to tell her personally and just. Clear the air, uhh..." _Why is she so unimpressed!?_

Why couldn't he just be a _little_ psychic? 

So fucking lame, and difficult! Humans aren't supposed to be this difficult, _God_ , teenagers suck.

"She's fine." He's... genuinely relieved? Yeah, definitely relieved. And that's good, that's great, but...

"Do you... Know when she'll be back in school?" Lar considers him a _long_ time. The warning bell to get to their last class is ringing and even charmed Jess is looking a little anxious 

"No. Not that it's your business." Lar is turning away from him and he almost grabs her but just resists and calls after her instead,

"Wait, _Please!_ I'm serious, I just want to apologize! Maybe I could take her homework or...some...thing?" He's gotten a lot of odd looks in his life. A few of them similar to the one he's on the receiving end of right now. 

Damn, this girl seriously must be related to Rosie. To wield such power in just a glare...!

"Why should I trust you?"

"I-" it's a very reasonable question. "I'll give you my address? My house keys? I swear I'm not a creep-" Lar snorts, her eyes rolling back a bit. "-I just... It was pretty scary to see her... just, on the floor like that." Lar and Jess both go a little pale, Jess clinging to Lar and the blonde gazing at her fondly(?) before cutting that same harsh glare back to him except.

Except it's a little weaker.

Score! And he goes in for the kill:

"I'd feel horrible to leave things the way they are, if I could just... At least, just let her know I'm the asshole-" and Lar snorts and deflates a little with another roll of the eyes and FINALLY tells him,

"Alright alright, I get it. _Jesus, he's worse than-_ "

"Hey!" Jess swats at her and lowers her voice, " _He's hot, don't be rude!_ " And Lar scoffs, spares him another glare.

And she gives up her precious information! Marie's address. She even saddles him with Marie's homework, an impressive stack for a girl so young. Advanced work, maybe at a senior level? As advanced as a school this small can get, anyway.

He takes it with relish and much appreciation, thanking her until she actually tells him to,

"Whatever, fuck off dude!" as she drags Jess away.

It's perfect, it's great, Rosie will finally get off his ass over this shit!

She was blaming _him_ for that girl fainting. _Him!_ How could he even _begin_ to be responsible?

So dumb, like seriously, pfft, pshh, guh, it's, it's very actually convincing and he hates it. And every day Marie wasn't there she got more condescending. Why is he the only member of his family without a power? Two emotional manipulators isn't fair!

"Jasper is an Empath, your wife is just a bully."

"A _sexy_ bully."

"Ew. How could you say that to me?" and he laughs and goes to tell Eddie that he's just kidding but, "When we kiss when no-one's watching, are you thinking of her?"

He uhh what. _WHAT_.

"You're gross. I'm telling Jasper on you."

"He'll just ask you how you like his sloppy seconds."

"You're GROSS!" Even _he_ had more respect than to talk about his Wifey like that.

"You just called her sexy-"

"Yeah! But I didn't fuckin talk about sloppy make outs n nasty stuff!"

"Why is it nasty when I love my husband but not when you love your wife?"

"Because you're you! It's like realizing that your grandpa still fucks your grandma; obviously I know _y'all knock boots_ ," he imitates Jazzy's twang as best he can - and he's had decades of practice, " that doesn't mean I want to hear about the boots knocking! It's just, it's squicky! Nastiness and eww!"

So obviously Ed starts to talk about the last time they - Eddie and Jasper that is - went hunting naked and,

"Oh you should have seen his-"

"STOP, STOP, I'M GOING GOOD BYE!" it's definitely childish to slap his hands over his ears to charge for the parking lot, it's also exactly what Edward wanted but ew. EW! Eddie is being gross just to be gross. He does it _all the time._

At least Al is still a good. Even if she's been kinda anxious the past couple days. Jazzy and Eddie - Jeddy? - know something, they've been giving each other secret looks. They won't share cuz they're cheats. 

He just needs to clear the air! Find a way to ask Marie is she's terminally ill! General stuff, ya know. How you dos and such.

She's got a cute home, it takes him only a minute to run there from the school. She lives there with her dad and what smells like most of her friends and possibly... two cats? So they frequent her home at the very least.

She's inside now, singing along to what sounds like an opera. Something about vampires, anyway.

He knocks a little heavier so she might hear him over her own entertainment. Maybe he knocks a bit too heavy considering the way she shrieks. 

" _Jeez_ Lar, you sound like a Charlie..." she starts talking before the door is even opened, drifting off as she catches sight of him and goes a sickly pale, nearly matching the gauze taped to her temple. 

He tries to smile in a way that's reassuring. He's not really certain if he hits the mark on that one. No, no he's in fact sure that he doesn't. She sways a little, knuckles turning white where she grips the door for support, and snaps out,

"So that's it then!" It's hoarse and just a little breathless. Her eyes narrow a bit and she pulls herself together enough to straighten and stand on steady feet, almost spitting the words at him, "Somehow I just knew you'd come to finish me off."

Uhh What?

"I figured it would've happened Tuesday. Which one of you had the grace to give me 'til Friday?"

"... _What?_ "

"Don't play dumb!" If he counters that he's not playing, he'll just admit he's dumb. Which he isn't!.... _Usually!_ "I know you've come to kill me. _In my own home!_ Well fuck you, fuck you especially!" It's a good thing the nearest neighbor is almost a block away.

What's with Marie and screaming at him in semi-public places?

He should've been holding her homework as an offering. As (humanly) quickly as possible he swings his bag off his shoulder and pulls out the stack of papers to hurriedly hand over.

She doesn't exactly take them with grace, eyes narrowing and flashing over the top page. 

And so he's treated to the sight of confusionhorrorrealization that makes her sag a little.

"...did Lar set this up?"

"Um. Technically I set this up..." And Marie rolls her eyes and huffs and sighs, saying to herself,

" _Of course you did._ " As she turns and walks away? With the door open? Is, uhh, is he supposed to...? A shout from within the house, "Shit or get off the pot my guy! "

So uhh, yeah he'll just let himself in. And close the door. And lock it. Seriously, it hadn't even been locked before, she didn't unlock to let him in! What was _wrong_ with teenagers?

Ugh. Stinks in here. Like Marie's unfortunate rotten fruit stench and Human food. And _definitely_ two cats. 

One is sitting on the bottom stair, watching him with what looks like actual disdain. Maybe that's just the tortoiseshell pattern and half lidded eyes.

Cats are awful. Not like, in general, just usually to vampires.

Err, well, to him.

Every cat he's ever known has worshipped Rosie. Which just isn't fair. At all. She doesn't even _like_ cats!

So yeah, he shoots past the stairs to the second floor as quick as he can with that cat watching him the entire time he's within its line of sight. He just follows the sound of sort-of opera to the kitchen where he finds the other cat and Marie, who is squatting in front of an oven staring at what's inside.

The cat meows at him, _aggressively_ by the way, and that alerts Marie to his presence although she doesn't acknowledge him just yet. Instead she tells her creature on the kitchen table to,

"Oh shut up, Princess." The cat turns to meow at her louder. "He's basically harmless." Another meow. "You'll be fine!" Another. "Little girl I will toss you outta this house if you keep giving me lip!" There's a last meow but it's much quieter.

Marie mutters a _Yeah that's what I thought!_ with a sharp nod and grin to herself, finally pulling banana bread out of the oven and setting the pan on the counter to cool.

"So!" Marie turns around to size him up - unimpressed, if that face is anything to go by - before shuffling over to the table to placate the large cat there with pets. "This is Princess Meownonoke. That," he shouldn't be so shocked by the cat from the stairs brushing past his leg like a living shadow, but he is and he jumps. "-is Cateralus. Don't worry, she only looks vicious."

"Uhh, kay, umm-"

"You don't like banana bread, right?" He goes to respond, but she continues, "You look like the sorta dude that's on some super duper ultra weirdo diet and probably can't even process regular food at this point. "

"I... I mean yeah, pretty much. Vegetarian. But like. Ya know. Vegan. And uhh, no gluten or certain types of fats and. Yah... " she actually couldn't be less impressed with him. And the way she's holding, err, Cateralus? They have the SAME look. It's not scary but...


End file.
